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Writer's pictureThe Date Maven
Jul 1, 20193 min read

Are you One-Half of a Cohesive Couple?




It’s summer time, and for many that means a vacation – even if it’s just a weekend getaway. Summer typically incites our desire to wander, to adventure, and to relax.


On a recent hiking trip (followed by a trip to a professional development conference), I had the opportunity to think about what makes a couple cohesive. As I watched the nightly news in my hotel room, I learned of a heart-breaking racially-motivated crime, and I remembered: it’s in moments like this, when the world seems chaotic and unjust, that I remember to appreciate the people I love and draw them close.


That’s easy enough. Thank you for being there. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for making the insanity that exists in this world a little easier to bear. But we can’t rely on the drama of the nightly news to keep us “plugged in” and grateful for the person who is our anchor. And sometimes the person we’re sharing our life with is a part of the chaos – contributing to the insanity. Just what keeps a couple solid?


There are five specific behaviors that cohesive couples practice:


1. Trust


Trust is an essential component in the foundation of a cohesive relationship.

Trust can only happen when a couple is willing to be completely vulnerable with one another. There is confidence in both partners that the other’s intentions are good and that there is no reason to be overly self-protective or overly cautious or guarded around each other.


2. Conflict


It’s difficult, but important to embrace healthy conflict – with an atmosphere of trust.

Even though many of us may naturally try to avoid conflict at all costs, by doing so, we’re missing out on the kind of passionate engagement that is vital in any great relationship. All lasting relationships require productive conflict if you’re going to grow as individuals and as a unit. Learn how to do it in a way that's respectful, healthy, and puts the relationship (not your individual egos) first.


When a couple builds a foundation of vulnerability-based trust, conflict isn’t so threatening. It simply becomes an attempt to find the best possible answer or solution to a problem. Productive conflict around philosophical concepts, lifestyle habits, values and preferences is a natural part of any long-term relationship. Roll up your sleeves.


3. Commitment


When you have commitment, you at least have “buy in” on your couple-hood – despite any disagreements you might have. In the context of a cohesive relationship, commitment will give added clarity around decisions. Healthy couples understand that they must be able to commit to “the idea of us” even when the outcome is uncertain and initial disagreement is scary and strong.


4. Accountability


Do you have a “BS Detector” in your relationship? This has to do with calling out your significant other on attitudes, behaviors, or beliefs that might hurt your team of two. It also means being willing to be called out!


Let’s be honest: it’s uncomfortable to have anyone call you out on your “stuff” and no one relishes those difficult conversations. Highly functional couples overcome these natural inclinations, opting instead to ‘enter the danger’ with one another and embrace each other through it.


It can be a wee bit easier if you keep these tips in mind:


Women, remember that men usually prefer a straightforward delivery. (Having spent so much time in the workforce, an increasing number of women are expressing a preference for considerate but direct communication as well!) A truthful, logical explanation will likely resonate stronger and be more memorable for your man.


Men, remember that women typically want to hear a positive framing of your explanation.


5. Results & Rewards


The result and the reward is having a satisfying relationship that enhances who you are as a person and who you are as a duo. If this isn’t the outcome you’re enjoying (or at least have the hope of achieving), then it’s pretty hard to prop up the relationship with the four pillars on this list!


Whether you use the label “boyfriend/girlfriend,” “lover,” “life partner,” or “husband/wife” to describe your relationship, staying accountable and staying focused on the common goal (staying together) is key. The best strategy is to encourage trust by being trustworthy; to be brave enough to allow space for healthy conflict, to hold commitment as your highest principle and value, and practice the give-and-get of accountability.


If you’re struggling with this (or some part of it) in your relationship or simply wishing to find someone you could put these tips into practice with – I can help. Email me at suzanna@thedatemaven.com. Let’s talk about the type of dating coaching or matchmaking services (or even couples' coaching services!) that will be right for you as you strive to become one half of a cohesive couple!


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Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

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