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Writer's pictureThe Date Maven
Mar 7, 20113 min read

Easier Than Ever?

In a recent essay in Naked City magazine, community activist Jason Dilts described Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, as a gay rights pioneer. He asserts that Zuckerberg’s creation of a social network has “forever changed the means by which [homosexuals] . . . negotiate the terms of their lives. His digital quest for openness has picked the locks of closet doors for the last half decade.”

This is certainly true for my gay and lesbian clients, but it’s also true for my straight clients as well. Social media has changed the terms by which ALL romance is negotiated. It started with chat rooms and message boards and progressed to Craigs List and online dating sites. Some have lamented that they wouldn’t find meaningful encounters through these mediums or that they distrust them because other users may be inauthentic. But I’d urge you to remember that too much authenticity may not be a good thing in terms of attracting the interest of someone to date. A good rule of thumb is wait until the second date to be a little more “authentic!” I’m not saying it’s OK to be fake. But if you adopt the philosophy advanced by matchmaker and dating coach Rachel Greenwald that the purpose of the first date is to land the second date, it makes sense to start out slow. Let your date dip their toes in the water with the first date and amp up the authenticity on dates #2, 3, and beyond.

Returning to the notion that social media has changed the terms by which ALL romance is negotiated… This is not only true, it creates a need for a comprehensive image-building strategy across digital mediums. This is why I offer Digital Footprint Management to my clients. You already know that if you are using digital media, your life is no longer compartmentalized into “online” and “offline” categories. The lines are increasingly blurred between the facets of ourselves available to our friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances. But have you ever thought about what your Facebook, FourSquare, LinkdIn, MySpace, and Twitter presences say about you? Are those messages accurate? Are they flattering? Are the messages consistent and uniform across personal and professional networks or are there discrepancies?

Remember, there is likely only one or two degrees of separation between you and the person you will fall in love with and commit to. It’s highly likely that someone in one of your networks will be the link between you and Mr. or Mrs. Interesting! But if you’re not presenting a public face that is genuine yet impressive, you make it harder for the light bulb to go on in the mind of the person mind who will introduce you. You make it harder for the person you want to attract to do their due diligence and research you online before they go out with you. Which message are they to believe? Drunken party girl gyrating across the bar in a Facebook photo album? Or serious, buttoned-up corporate headshot on your LinkdIn page?

As Dilts observes, “With news feeds, relationship statuses, and photo tags, social media makes it pretty hard to hide the truth. Sure, privacy settings can safeguard you to some extent, but the genie is really out of the bottle” as new media piggy backs onto slightly-less-new media which was built atop the bubble of not-very-old media. So, whether you choose to manage your own Digital Footprint or employ a professional to tidy things up, just make sure your dating personae are sending the same message.

Here’s to better dating!

The Date Maven

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Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

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