Authentic Relating
I recently spent a week breathing in clean forest air and exploring new connections on a mountain in northern California. I traveled there for an intimate retreat called “Soma & Soul” during which we sang improvisationally, moved our bodies, and practiced the art of authentic relating. It was a beautiful, heart-opening, deeply human experience. Here’s what I want to share from it…
Authentic Relating: The Art of Undamning and Curiosity
When we talk about “authentic relating,” what we really mean is returning to presence — to ourselves, to one another, and to life as it’s happening now. The practices invite us to soften the ways we label, judge, and disconnect, and to reawaken our childlike curiosity about the world and the people in it. This is a wonderful approach to bring into dating.
Practice #1: Undamning the World (and Yourself)
At some point, we all start to see people through the labels we give them — “boss,” “neighbor,” “Republican,” “ex.” When we do this, we stop seeing their humanity and start seeing a category. This is what it means to “damn” someone: to freeze them in a judgment, a concept, or a role.
Undamning means seeing again. Seeing the person behind the label. It’s looking at the world through the eyes of a child — full of wonder and possibility. Try it this week: notice where you’ve “damned” someone (or yourself) and experiment with meeting them anew. Ask yourself, “What becomes possible when I see this person freshly?”
Practice #2: Curiosity as a Path to Connection
You’ve probably heard the saying, “People become interesting when you become interested.” Curiosity is one of the most powerful tools we have for intimacy — it melts distance, opens hearts, and lets us see what’s true beneath the surface.
Instead of asking rote questions like, “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” try following your real curiosity. What do you genuinely want to know about this person? What do you feel drawn to ask? Sure, it might feel initially risky. Do it anyway. You can even set a simple context: “Would you be open to me asking you some questions I’m genuinely curious about?” It’s amazing how quickly this creates safety and depth.
The Witness: The Power of Noticing
Authentic relating begins with awareness — what we call the witness. The witness is the part of you that notices: “I notice my heart is racing.” “I notice I feel tenderness right now.” “I notice a judgment that you’re being selfish.”
Notice how that last example softens the energy. Instead of “You’re so selfish!” — which blames and separates — “I notice I have a judgment…” opens curiosity and connection. The witness helps us stay grounded, even in conflict, by observing rather than reacting.
You can practice this anytime — when you’re triggered, confused in conversation, or even just reflecting inside. The more you cultivate the witness, the more alive and attuned your relationships become.
An Invitation
This week, try these three small but powerful shifts:
Undamn: Catch yourself when you’re labeling and see if you can open instead.
Get Curious: Ask one real, alive question each day. Even if it’s not what you usually do. (Especially if it’s not what you usually do.)
Witness: Practice saying “I notice…” and watch how it transforms your awareness.
The heart of authentic relating is simple: see, feel, and stay with what’s real. That’s what made my time in the woods with 13 strangers (now friends) so powerful – and I predict it will transform the way you date and relate as well, if you’re open to it. The moment you feel, see, and stay with the real, intimacy and aliveness naturally unfold.
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