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Invisible Progress in Dating When Nothing Seems to Be Happening

suzanna91
12 minutes ago
8 min read

Sometimes dating feels strangely quiet.


There are weeks when no one promising appears. A first date goes fine, but not far. A message thread fizzles. A person who seemed interested becomes inconsistent. You do the inner work, stay open, show up again, and still wonder whether any of it is actually leading somewhere.


Then, suddenly, something shifts.


This week, one of my clients is celebrating six months of dating with a man she met through my matchmaking work. This morning, another client asked to pause her digital matchmaking program because she is exploring a promising new relationship with someone she has been dating.


Two different milestones. Two different timelines. The same reminder.


Dating progress is not always visible while it is happening.


There are introductions, conversations, disappointments, coaching sessions, waiting periods, awkward first dates, second dates, moments of discernment, and long stretches where things can feel slow. From the outside, it may look like nothing is moving. Under the surface, though, a lot may be taking shape.


Eye-level view of two coffee cups on a small cafe table beside a window.
Some connections begin in ordinary, quiet moments.

The quiet parts of dating still count


Dating is often judged by visible milestones.


A first date. A second date. A relationship status. A holiday together. Meeting friends. Meeting family. Six months. A year.


Those moments matter, of course. They give shape to a story. They make progress easier to name.


But much of dating happens before anything can be named.


It happens when someone learns to stop choosing only familiar chemistry that has never led to peace. It happens when a person becomes more honest about what they want. It happens when they let a good match unfold slowly, rather than measuring the entire future on one dinner.


It happens in small decisions like these:


  • Replying with clarity instead of anxiety

  • Saying no sooner when the fit is not right

  • Giving a thoughtful person another conversation

  • Not confusing intensity with compatibility

  • Staying open after a disappointment

  • Letting attraction build instead of demanding instant certainty


None of this looks dramatic. Most of it will never be announced. Yet these are the shifts that make a healthy relationship more possible.


A person may feel like they are “still single,” while they are actually becoming far more available for the kind of love they say they want.


That counts.


Progress often looks like discernment before it looks like romance


One of the hardest parts of dating is that movement does not always feel good.


A disappointing date can feel like a setback. So can realizing someone is not aligned with your values. So can ending a conversation that started with potential.


But discernment is progress.


Every no teaches something. Every mismatch helps clarify what is real, what is missing, and what should not be negotiated away.


The goal is not to turn every introduction into a relationship. The goal is to move with more honesty, wisdom, and emotional steadiness.


That may mean recognizing:


  • The person is kind, but the life vision does not match

  • The chemistry is exciting, but consistency is missing

  • The conversation is easy, but effort feels one-sided

  • The timing is not right

  • The connection is worth one more date


Dating asks for both openness and judgment. Too much judgment can close the door too early. Too much openness can keep the wrong door open too long.


The work is learning the difference.


Close-up of a dating journal and pen on a wooden kitchen table with morning light.
Reflection can turn dating experiences into useful clarity.

The timeline is rarely as simple as it appears


When a relationship finally begins, people often talk about the moment it clicked.


They remember the introduction, the first message, the first date, or the conversation that changed the tone.


What they may forget is everything that came before it.


The patience. The pauses. The lessons from people who were not right. The coaching conversations. The recalibrating. The moments when someone wondered if they should keep going at all.


From the outside, a relationship can look like it appeared quickly. On the inside, it may have been forming for months through a series of small, quiet preparations.


This is why timelines can be misleading.


One person may meet the right match after two introductions. Another may need more time, more clarity, or more emotional space. Someone else may need to date a few people before they recognize what healthy consistency feels like.


None of those paths is wrong.


A slower timeline does not mean someone is failing. A fast connection does not mean someone skipped the hard parts. People come to love with different histories, different patterns, different fears, and different levels of readiness.


There is no universal pace for finding a meaningful relationship.


Still, there is a difference between patience and passivity. Waiting does not mean doing nothing. Healthy dating requires participation. It asks people to show up, respond, reflect, risk a little, and keep paying attention.


The timeline may not be fully controllable. The posture is.


Staying unattached does not mean pretending not to care


One reason I encourage clients to stay curious, open, and unattached to a specific outcome is that dating becomes much harder when every interaction has to prove something immediately.


A first date does not need to answer every question. It can simply answer the next question.


Do I feel safe enough to continue the conversation?


Am I curious?


Do their actions match their words so far?


Is there enough ease or interest to meet again?


That approach lowers the pressure without lowering standards. It gives connection a little oxygen.


Being unattached does not mean being indifferent. It does not mean accepting mixed signals, ignoring incompatibility, or acting like commitment does not matter.


It means not gripping so tightly that there is no room for a relationship to unfold naturally.


Many meaningful relationships start quietly. Not always with fireworks. Sometimes with a calm sense of, “I’d like to see this person again.” Sometimes with a second date that feels better than the first. Sometimes with a conversation that reveals steadiness, humor, or warmth that was not obvious at the start.


If someone is looking only for instant certainty, they may miss the connections that grow in a more grounded way.


That does not mean anyone should force attraction. It means attraction and trust can have different speeds.


Wide-angle view of a couple walking on a tree-lined path in soft evening light.
Some relationships take shape slowly through continued presence.

You never know which introduction may become important


Some introductions are clearly not a fit. Others are clearly interesting. Then there are the ones that are harder to read.


Those middle-ground introductions can be easy to dismiss too quickly, especially for people who are tired, discouraged, or afraid of wasting time.


But dating is full of surprises.


Someone who seems quiet at first may become more engaging once the nerves settle. A first conversation may be pleasant but not electric, then a second meeting reveals more depth. A person may not match the imagined type, yet share the values that actually matter for daily life.


This is where curiosity becomes useful.


Curiosity does not ask someone to ignore reality. It simply asks them to gather enough real information before closing the door.


That may mean asking better questions. It may mean noticing how someone follows through. It may mean paying attention to how you feel after spending time with them, not just during the most polished moments.


A promising relationship does not always announce itself loudly. Sometimes it shows up as consistency. Sometimes as kindness. Sometimes as emotional availability. Sometimes as the absence of chaos.


Those things may not create instant drama, but they can create something far more valuable.


The hidden work matters more than people think


Behind many dating milestones is a lot of private work.


A client who reaches six months with someone did not simply “get lucky.” Luck may play a role in timing, but a healthy connection usually asks for more than chance.


There may have been preparation around:


  • Understanding relationship patterns

  • Communicating needs without overexplaining

  • Learning which qualities matter most

  • Recovering from past disappointment

  • Dating with more openness

  • Staying present instead of predicting the ending too soon


This hidden work can feel frustrating because it does not produce instant proof. No one gets a certificate for becoming more secure, clear, or ready. There may be no visible reward for choosing differently three times in a row.


Then, later, that inner progress changes the way a person receives a good match.


They can recognize steadiness. They can ask clearer questions. They can tolerate a slower build. They can stop chasing what hurts. They can stop running from what feels calm.


That is not minor progress. That is the foundation.


Long stretches of quiet do not always mean nothing is working


There are seasons in dating when the waiting feels especially heavy.


Maybe the last few introductions did not lead anywhere. Maybe the apps feel repetitive. Maybe friends are pairing off. Maybe hope feels harder to access than it used to.


Those feelings are real. Dating can be tender, and it can bring up old grief, comparison, and fatigue.


At the same time, quiet seasons are not always empty seasons.


A quiet season may be creating space for better choices. It may be revealing what needs to change. It may be helping someone rest before they reenter dating with more presence. It may be allowing a connection to develop at a pace that does not match the urgency in someone’s mind.


Of course, if nothing is happening for a long time, it can help to look honestly at the process. Are the right people being introduced? Are standards clear but flexible? Is fear blocking follow-through? Is someone saying they want a relationship while choosing unavailable people?


Patience works best with honesty.


Still, the absence of visible results in a given week does not mean the whole process is stalled.


Sometimes the most meaningful progress is happening long before it can be seen.


Overhead view of two phones resting face down beside a shared dessert plate.
Real connection often grows when people are present with each other.

A better way to measure dating progress


If the only measure of progress is “Am I in a relationship yet?” dating can feel brutal.


That question matters, but it cannot be the only one.


Better questions include:


  • Am I being more honest about what I want?

  • Am I choosing people who can actually meet me?

  • Am I recovering faster from disappointment?

  • Am I staying open without abandoning myself?

  • Am I communicating more clearly?

  • Am I noticing consistency, not just chemistry?

  • Am I allowing enough time to learn who someone is?


These questions show movement that a relationship status cannot capture.


They also help keep hope grounded. Hope in dating should not require fantasy. It can be built from evidence: better choices, clearer boundaries, more aligned introductions, stronger self-trust, and a willingness to stay open.


That kind of hope is quieter than excitement. It is also more durable.


When something finally clicks


The moment a relationship begins to take shape can feel sudden.


One week, someone is unsure if anything is happening. The next, they are excited about a person who keeps showing up. One month, dating feels discouraging. A few months later, they are celebrating an anniversary they could not have predicted.


That does not mean the progress started at the visible milestone.


It started earlier.


It started in the conversations that clarified what mattered. It started in the dates that taught what did not fit. It started in the willingness to try again without forcing the outcome. It started in the choice to remain curious when cynicism would have been easier.


Dating often asks people to trust a process they cannot fully see.


That does not mean ignoring reality or waiting forever. It means remembering that meaningful connection is built through many small moments, and not all of them look impressive while they are happening.


Some introductions will fade. Some will teach. Some will surprise you.


And sometimes, after a stretch that feels quiet, someone stays. A connection deepens. A relationship begins to take shape.


That is the part worth remembering when it seems like nothing is happening. The quiet work may still be working.


 
 
 

Comments

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

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