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Online Dating: Are You Being Greedy?


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Turn on the TV during the month of January and you will undoubtedly encounter a commercial touting the success rates and marriage statistics of a major online dating site. January is indeed the most abundant month in the online dating game.


And if you take the number of married couples who met online and compared it to the total number of married couples in the general population, you might get a reasonably acceptable metric of success! But are those successes the result of brilliantly engaging site design and awesome algorithms or are they the result of access to more and bigger markets?


What if you take the number of singles who tried dating online and compared it to the number who actually met a relationship partner online — the number of “attempts” compared to the number of “wins?” That might paint a fairer picture.


Still, it can’t hurt to give online dating a try. 


The rate of single status is increasing in the modern era, so I’m assuming that you – or someone you know – have ventured onto an online dating site or app. You have many choices on the dating market, and the first thing you do is start narrowing down the options.

As essayist Marina Adshade put it in her piece Why We’re Still Single, “Online daters are not really looking for the needle in the haystack as much as they are looking to eliminate the pieces of straw as quickly as possible to reveal the hidden needle.”


That’s a useful analogy. But eliminating the “no, thank you’s” can be extraordinarily time consuming. You get impatient; you find ways to speed up the process and cut corners. You scan profiles looking for red flags rather than green lights and you filter out the undesirables -- sometimes throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It’s a game of “reasons to reject” rather than “reasons to accept.”


The flaw in this method is that it focuses on a list of “must-have-and-non-negotiable” qualities and fails to take into account the value of the qualities a person has that aren’t absolute but are instead relative to other qualities. Or the way certain qualities might show up more strongly in one relationship and more dimly in another.


Let’s say you’re a woman looking for a man who describes himself as athletic and who shares your interest in books, bourbon and cigars. All of these qualities are important to you, but one is probably more important than another. You’ve set your search parameters to find a cigar-chomping, bourbon-swilling, literary type but missed noticing someone who had only one or two of those three attributes.


If you’d used a more organic search method (an introduction from friends or a professional matchmaker, for example) you might have met a man whose dedication to fitness more than made up for the fact that he prefers scotch and mainly listens to podcasts and audio books. Because he was filtered out online, you didn't give him a chance and you clicked or swiped on someone else entirely. You may have missed out on a far more compatible relationship partner.


This is part of the reason why a number of dating bloggers and social scientists have said that online dating is actually making it more difficult for single men and women to find love. From a “market perspective” there’s certainly abundance. Adshade attributes it to “relationship greed.”


I think dating greed or the greed of being single is a more accurate term, but whatever we call it, the underlying theme is this: We want it all! "I won't settle!" we tell ourselves indignantly. The short-sightedness is that we lose out on the chance to find someone who has more or most of what we’re looking for when we hyper-focus on one or a few attributes that get spotlighted within a digital medium.


Perhaps you’ve even been on a first date with someone who suffers from this. It’s kind of dis-incentivizing to get your flirt on or form a connection when you can see him or her mentally checking off boxes in their head over your plates of bruschetta, isn’t it? When it starts to feel more like a job interview than a getting-to-know-you, it’s time to either take a break or get some help with dating.


That's where I come in. I’d like to hear about how “dating greed” or “needle-in-the-haystack dating” has impacted your dating life. Email me at suzanna@thedatemaven.com.


 
 
 

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Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

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