Updated: Jul 2, 2020
One of my matchmaking colleagues says, “At the beginning of a relationship, people show up with a lot more than they have to offer over time.”
I think he’s talking about how people work so hard to make a good first impression and spend so much effort and creativity on attracting and woo-ing that great guy or great gal. Then once they settle into a relationship and the stardust has fallen from their eyes, they are (oh, revelation!) human. Still wonderful in many ways, probably. And also quite flawed.
Sometimes this happens around the 1-year mark. Sometimes it happens when a crisis or major stressor or life change occurs. For couples who marry or settle into long-term commitments, there’s often another shedding of the stardust around the 4-year point after having children. For other couples, it’s around the 7-year anniversary.
Regardless of WHEN it happens, it doesn’t feel good. It can be painful and confusing. As a dating coach, I can help you figure out if the lost stardust is a real, unmanageable, deal-breaker of a problem or if it’s just a factor of “settling in” to the relationship. All relationships have mountains and valleys, after all. And some people enter relationships with fairy-tale expectations that eventually will be disappointed, then – with any luck — adjusted.
If you are seeing someone and feeling angry or dissatisfied that “the guy I first met” or “the girl I first fell in love with” seems to be gone, you’re undoubtedly suffering in the relationship. Maybe some new stardust can be discovered. Or maybe the lost-stardust-syndrome is but a symptom of larger, deeper dysfunctions.
Want some support and some strategies for figuring it out and getting through it? I’m here to help. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.