When my clients come to me, it's because they're frustrated with dating. They bring with them stories of close encounters with creeps, fakes, flakes, and frauds. We (my team and I) help them find a better way to date -- a way to elevate dating and actually find a relationship.
Yes, such hope exists.
But first, it's important tat those dating aggravations be heard. Male or female, if you're single you've probably vented to a friend about all the things you despise about dating. Here's a "Top Ten List" of Things most singles hate about dating. . .
1. Outright lies and misinformation in online dating profiles. If someone creates a profile with out-of-date or filtered photos or leaves out a key piece of information, the person looking at it will eventually feel misled. They may not know until the first date where the person who shows up doesn't resemble the person who was online (false advertising) or doesn't show up at all. But when that "moment of truth" occurs, it's hard and heavy.
Good on you if you're minding your angles and lighting when you're taking profile photos! Just remember that your profile should "surprise and delight" just a little -- not "surprise and repel" when real life doesn't match what was presented online.
2. Mis-timed or misapplied "vulnerability." This has to do with knowing when and how to disclose certain things. When one person is racing toward vulnerability (whether it's with words or with pictures) and the other person is on a slower roll, it's hard to align. Premature vulnerability actually creates disconnection, not attraction. Read the room (even if the 'room' is a text dialogue).
Women: Do more listening, less talking and directing. Let him feel your gentle focus on him; don't interrupt or talk over him.
Men: An uninvited pic of your anatomy is not a display of vulnerability. :/ I'll say it another way: An unsolicited pic of your nethers makes it nearly impossible for a woman to feel safe and to open up -- erotically or otherwise.
3. Dating advice that makes you feel like you're supposed to change who you are fundamentally on the inside or resort to game-playing to get what you want. So yuck.
4. People with a lazy attitude. People who are either too cheap, entitled, or thoughtless to put forth a modicum of effort. While I advocate not getting overly attached to outcome, I also advocate courtesy, maturity, and sincerity. The “take it or leave it” and "Let's get together sometime-ish" attitude should both be cancelled.
5. Technology. So many apps, so little time. Seriously, who can keep track?! And then once you "match" with someone, there's the cycle of messaging.... You don't have to text all the time. In fact, perhaps you shouldn't. Get to a phone call, then get to a date.
6. Women who blame men as a whole for their dating difficulties and men who blame women as a whole for their dating difficulties. Release the residue of the past relationship (or previous date) so the next person you meet is starting with a clean slate, more or less. Remember, every one of us is imperfect in some way. We all have blind spots. Blame-placing improves nothing. Taking personal responsibility for your part in the equation, on the other hand, is appealing. Personal growth is also sexy. Introspection and self-awareness are hawt!!
7. Feeling anxious and awkward. Not feeling attractive. Not knowing what to do, what to say, how to behave, etc. Feeling like you don't know how to do dating right. Just generally doubting yourself. Ugh. No wonder so many people opt for a Netflix night at home instead! There's plenty about dating that pushes us outside our comfort zones. If you're going to meet someone wonderful, that is exactly where you need to be -- beyond your comfort zone! Run toward the fire, pumpkin...
8. Drama. Everyone SAYS they don't want it, don't attract it and don't create it, but when you factor in all the things above, it’s inevitable. How can there NOT be a little drama? It’s the drama that gives the gals something to dish about with our girlfriends over brunch. If we didn’t have the drama to dissect, what would we talk about? The stock market??
9. Burnout. Also inevitable if you date long enough without any real intention, outcome, guidance, or strategy. If dating makes you feel desperate, exhausted, and afraid, you're suffering from burnout. Time for a break to rest and refresh. Then hire a coach to help you date more purposefully and guard against it next time!
10. Wanting a relationship but accepting a situationship. If you want a relationship, conduct yourself like someone who wants a relationship! Are you interested or are you committed? What is your vision? What are your values? These will determine your standards; these will determine what you are willing to endure and allow for yourself.
All these things can make dating feel discouraging. If you found yourself ticking off more of the items on that list than you care to count, it might be time to get some better tactics and some real support. Reach out. suzanna @ thedatemaven.com We help men and women break through the BS to actually date with ease, confidence, and enjoyment.
