Updated: Jul 3
As men, each one of us owns the responsibility of creating an environment and connection that will entice the object of our affection to crave us. To some degree, this is luck. Sometimes people’s personalities and energies just dovetail perfectly. Sometimes, in rare situations, the normal strategies don’t work or are not even tried, and an enchanting tangling of souls and bodies occurs regardless. But if you want to ensure you have a connection and repeat dates and sexual encounters, there are several things you can do to make this happen.
By Michael Rivera
Stan, 37, reached out to me over a Facebook group for singles, looking for help in finding someone to settle down with. His exact comment was, “I am able to get a lot of dates, but the relationships tend to fizzle shortly after we have sex.”
I asked him why he thought that was. He said he wasn’t sure. I asked, “Could it be a bedroom issue?” As far he was concerned, all was good there. Stan stated that he had little problem connecting online or in person. He felt he had humor and wit that made the ladies like being around him. He said his own anecdotal evidence of having sex with the women he dated was proof of that. Stan stated while the sex was great, he wanted something more. He was ready to settle down and have a real girlfriend. The problem was, he noted a pattern of women being distant after his first sexual encounter with him.
I asked him what he thought the problem was. Was it a technical issue with his performance? A size issue? A hygiene issue? Was he causing his partner discomfort? He wasn’t aware of any major problem. However, after probing more into his sexual routine, it became clear he was his own worst enemy.
He admitted that he was primarily concerned with his own experience when having sex. His thought process was, “If I’m having a good time, she must be too.” He also admitted he wasn’t trying to view the experience through his date’s eyes or from her point of view. He figured since he knew he was good that the women would crave this and want to see him again and again. Unfortunately, that is not how reality played out.
After breaking down his routine, we came up with four areas for him to work on in order to elevate his bedroom game and to have his date dying to come back for more. These four activities can and should be practiced by any man. Doing them will make you a better lover and sear you in your partner’s mind.
1. Be confident with your body.
This is pretty basic, but confidence is still the ultimate aphrodisiac. A lot of people — no matter how great their bodies — are well aware of their flaws. This can make undressing and being naked a little nerve wracking. Being confident in yourself — in your naked self — goes a long way. Know that your body isn’t perfect and that no one’s is, but don’t apologize for it. Own it.
Undress matter-of-factly or seductively. Just do so in a way that doesn’t look like you are trying to hide something. Put yourself out there, hold your head up, push your shoulders back, and maintain your eye contact as well as your pace of movement. Undress like you’ve done it before!
Another thing you can do, once naked, is to move deliberately; move with authority and confidence. Hesitation can imply fear or weakness. Ensure all of your movements not only have a purpose, but occur with the fluidity and relaxed state of someone who has been naked before! Being confident in yourself is one of the best things you can do to make her feel at ease and ready to continue the sexual momentum.
2. Make her feel at ease.
This is pretty darn critical. Aside from you being confident in yourself, there are other things you can do to help your partner remain at ease.
Keep eye contact. Maintaining eye contact while she undresses can help your partner feel like you may not notice some of her flaws. A soft gaze and gentle smile will help her relax and feel like everything is going to be OK. If she happens to jump under the covers (if she is not already there) so as to not be exposed for long; don’t call her on it. Just proceed to the next step, which is to compliment something specific about her.
Let’s say your date undresses or you undress her while under the covers. Maybe things are moving quickly, maybe they are not. Regardless, when there is some slow make-out or cuddle time, give her a specific, descriptive compliment: “I love your ass!! I love how it fits my hand perfectly.” Or maybe you say, “Your legs…they are so smooth it’s like caressing a dolphin!” Yes! Don’t be afraid to try humor at moments like this. Making a woman laugh while giving her a compliment is a sure way to help her become more engaged in the moment, less guarded, and more comfortable around you.
3. Ensure that her satisfaction is the focus.
Your partner’s satisfaction should always be the priority. Period. If it is, she will sense this. If it is, she will want more of you…even if your particular sex session didn’t go as well as planned. Women appreciate effort. They can see it and sense it. More importantly, they have an innate desire to reward it. Foreplay or post-play is where this happens. We all know foreplay is important. So, if you know it, do it!
Of course, we also know that sometimes the mood or reality doesn’t work out in such a way that foreplay can actually occur. This happens and is nothing to apologize for or worry about. Go with the flow. That said, while in the flow, make certain you are paying attention to her body, moans, and movements, so that you can better please her and help her get the most out of her sexual experience.
If for some reason she doesn’t orgasm, instead of flopping over when you finish and resting, stay engaged and give her oral or finger pleasure to help her reach completion. If you try to post-climax play and it still doesn’t help her reach her O, it’s OK. She will notice that you put forth the effort. By doing this, you jump to the head of the class because most men simply don’t do this.
4. Love to cuddle
It may be a little cliché or even feminine-sounding to suggest that men should take the time to cuddle after sex, but honestly, this doesn’t happen enough. Keep in mind, it’s not just a matter of assuming the cuddle position, it’s also a matter of exuding the energy that you not only want to be there, but love to be there. There are a couple easy things you can do while cuddling that will make women feel desired and at home in your arms:
Squeeze her. Gently, slowly, deliberately. Squeeze her arm, her back, her butt . . . squeezing her while pulling her into you forms a connection. It will release feel-good hormones and make her feel even more comfortable with you.
‘Skim’ or caress her skin. Gently trace your hands over her body reaching whatever you can based on your position. The intent is not to turn her on again or to make the touch sexual. The intent is just to give pleasure — simple, soft, relaxed pleasure. Skimming has the effect of making her melt into you and this melting feeling is something her body will crave more of. Be that man who can satisfy her physical craving!
By following these simple guidelines, you will see your partner’s sexual satisfaction increase. Don’t forget, you are a man, so be a man! Take the lead in ensuring your lady feels like a lady. As man, you own this. You can accomplish this by paying attention and giving to her. Give her all of you, all of your confident self, all of your reassurance that she is safe with you, all of your focus, and all of your gentle physical self. When you quit focusing on what you get out of a sexual encounter and focus on what you can give, you’ll find that what you receive will increase. But be careful, don’t give expecting to receive, as that is a sure-fire way to be disappointed. The universe (and women) don’t work that way!
A bold man doesn’t give in the bedroom to keep score. A bold man — a Maven Man — gives in the bedroom to ensure his woman is satisfied . . . not just physically, but emotionally. It is that combined physical and emotional satisfaction that will have her begging you for more.