Misnomers and Misunderstandings. Inaccuracies and incongruities. Contradictions and deceptions.
I come across a lot of them as I talk to people who are navigating the world of dating and relationship. Sometimes it seems like part of my job as a dating coach is to gently point out the blind spots and the logical fallacies in thinking, or fill in the missing pieces of information. Sometimes they are outright "lies we tell ourselves." Usually, they're limiting beliefs or limited perceptions. Whatever name you call them, they get in the way of my clients getting what they want when it comes to finding and forming relationships. For today, I'll label them "Unproductive thoughts" and then I'll provide the counterpoint that will serve you better along your dating journey. So. Let's knock a few blocks down today, shall we?
Unproductive thought: I like my privacy. Since I didn’t tell my dating app to be aware of my location, it shouldn’t know where I am.
Truth: Many dating apps follow your location. This is not uncommon. Many people don’t realize it, though it’s usually disclosed in the Terms of Service you say you read. For not-creepy, pre-vetted matches, your best (and only) choice is to work with a professional matchmaker.
Unproductive thought: Since machines and technology are fast, people should be fast too.
Truth: In the age of meal delivery services, high-speed internet, and the quick cleanse, it’s incredibly common for people to want to “microwave” their love life. Press a button, get a boyfriend (or girlfriend). That doesn’t work. I mean, it works to get a play partner. (No judgment) But it doesn’t work to get a meaningful relationship.
Take-away: When it comes to things, you can be efficient. You can click it and get it. When it comes to people — when it comes to building communication, trust, and rapport — there are few short cuts. No fast pass. It takes time. (Though there are a few efficiency hacks — I teach those.)
Ironically — if you’re living in a social desert playing a dehydrated dating game — the search for a quick fix to your situation only delays the process you will eventually need to go through. When it comes to finding someone wonderful, slower is actually faster (i.e., more efficient, fewer pitfalls) and fast is slow (lots of mess and fuss).
The reason my clients work with me for 12 weeks or more is so we can go slow. We develop your confidence, build your personal brand, create your social strategy, perfect your online presence, expand your personal network and bring you to a place where you are living a rich and interesting life… one. step. at. a. time… That’s mega-attractive.
I know you have questions. “How should I…? Where do I…? How come he…? When will she…?” You have valid and reasonable questions. But give those questions (and yourself, the person asking them) the respect they deserve. Give yourself the time, support and resources it takes to formulate meaningful answers. Don’t waste your time looking for a get-love-quick fix.
My path is what you might call the comparatively “slow” road to happy, healthy dating and relationships… but this road is going somewhere quite lovely. To learn more, drop me a line at suzanna@thedatemaven.com