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Writer's pictureThe Date Maven
Jul 9, 20194 min read

What's the Upside of Being Played?

I‘m glad it’s a girl. And I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.


Daisy Buchanan pretends that she’s happy she’s having a girl, but she knows that girls of any class are the losers in her world – the world that The Great Gatsby was set in (the 1920s).

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Modern-day women (and men too) can still find themselves playing the fool, even though much has changed in the last 80-90 years. While gender roles have evolved, relationships can still be complicated and trust is still the holy grail. Have you ever opened your eyes in a relationship to find you were being played? That’s what this week’s musing is about:

Being conned. Duped. Hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Taken in.

These are all the terms we use to describe being deceived. There probably isn’t a single one of us alive who hasn’t had the wool pulled over our eyes, but that doesn’t make you feel any less foolish or any less embarrassed when it happens.

When it’s caused by someone we love(d), it can make you feel downright disoriented and ashamed. But – believe it or not — there are a few “up sides” to being tricked or taken advantage of, as Language of Desire expert Felicity Keith has pointed out.

You Strengthen the Muscle of Your Intuition

You know that inner voice you have inside? Maybe you hear it and shush it? Maybe it’s your north star because you learned early on to listen to it, respect it, and let it guide you. Maybe you heard it and ignored it because you didn’t like what it was saying.

Whatever your track record is with your inner voice, your intuition is a powerful guide. Sure, sometimes it gets things wrong; it too can be misled and confused. But the better you get at listening to it, the more often you will find “it’s right on the money, honey.”

Think back to a painful relationship. Can you notice when your intuition might have been trying to wave a red flag? Did you ignore its attempts to get your attention? Did you make excuses in order not to make waves, to “go along to get along?”

Try to remember what it felt like when your inner voice was speaking to you – and you were tuned in to its frequency. Some people say it shows up like a warm knot in their belly or in their solar plexus. Others feel the hair stand up on the back of their necks or their arms. Others get messages through their dreams. However it shows up for you, take heed. Notice the next time it happens and whether it’s an isolated inner voice message or part of a series of messages.

You Practice the Art of Vulnerability

Feeling vulnerable is uncomfortable – maybe even scary. You have to set your ego aside and just sit with your poor, broken little spirit. If you’ve been hurt, sit with your pain. If you’ve been bested, admit defeat. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is humbling. That can feel like the most horrible thing possible to do – but a.) welcome to being human, and b.) know that it will pass.

This is why being vulnerable is so valuable: It connects you with your humanity. Feeling vulnerable elicits your compassion and empathy. When you allow yourself to recognize your own pain and have compassion for yourself, it helps you see the humanity in others and respond to them with compassion as well.

How You Can Overcome Foolish Choices

Most of my clients have had some “doozy” relationships. And if you and your friends are like me and my friends, you could write a book entitled, “What Were We Thinking?!?”

On top of magical, misleading thinking (or no thinking at all), on top of seeing your world with blinders on, hands covering your ears, foot stomping impetuously, you may have also had a Greek chorus of people in your life saying “I told you so!” after each pitfall and face-plant. Did you feel like The. Biggest. Fool. In. Town? (Me too.)

It’s heartbreaking.

But we have a choice. Continue on the same path of loving people who don’t love you, who don’t respect you. Or take the time to mend your broken self-worth.

You could decide to build up walls and never trust another human again. Double distrust if they’re single and trying to talk to you! Triple distrust if they’re super-sexy/pretty/handsome/hot (cuz that’s your kryptonite!) Given what you’ve been through, that would be totally understandable.

Or. You can choose to take a deep breath and put your arms around your inner fool. Let it know that you’re healing, you’ve learned something, and it’s safe to come out again. Heart open, inner energy flowing and glowing. That innocent little fool inside who dreams of love sprinkled with fairy dust, who wants to be swept away in romance, is exactly the one who will propel you into a loving and healthy relationship. And THAT is the ultimate victory over feeling like a fool!


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Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

Attachment. Most of the time, when that word comes up in coaching sessions, we're talking about relational attachment. There's another context for that word and it has to do with the eastern spiritual philosophy of non-attachment. The thinking here goes: Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Suffering is the result of attachment and non-acceptance of WHAT IS.  When operating from a spirit of non-attachment, other people's compliments and criticisms are more neutral -- less activating. There is less "need" of the first and less resistance or outrage at the second. From a position of non-attachment, we acknowledge that no one is better than us or worse than us -- nor are we "better than" or "worse than" another. We accept and allow uncertainty and have no attachment to God/a Higher Power/Source Energy/the Universe having a divine plan with a timeline that we hope matches ours! We experience more ease and peace because we are not clinging to an outcome.  With that preamble, I want to share a story about my friend Martin.  Martin was deeply attached to and identified with his performance as a father AND as a lover! He worked hard to excel at being a parent but when his 20-year-old son made some poor choices with some dramatic consequences academically, legally, and in his family relationships, Martin felt like he had to "own" how things were working out for his child. His son was struggling and Martin felt responsible for it.  Martin felt wounded if his romantic partner asked for something new to bring novelty to their sex life. He was proud of his "track record" as a passionate lover and if he couldn't please her with a handful of positions and techniques that had been effective with his previous partners, he thought something was wrong with her, with him, or both. He became critical of her and shamed within himself.  Hoping to achieve more peace and acceptance in his life, Martin took up the study and practice of tantra, and now while he still strives to be the best father possible, he does so without putting so much weight on the outcome. While he gives his son guidance and structure, he also acknowledges that he is not in control of the young man's life. He's also lightening his attachment to his old identity as a knock-your-socks-off lover and experiencing sexual connection in subtler, softer, slower ways. (It's interesting to note that often, when people start to feel whole again, they have less of a craving for intense, sensational, thrill-seeking pleasures.)  Why did he turn to tantra and how did it help him? Tantra is a philosophical or spiritual path that dissolves the egoic sense of separation we have with others. It is the recognition that anything and everything can be a portal to knowing God -- to the expression of God through us and to the realization of God within us. It involves weaving together of ALL of the threads in your tapestry -- the acceptance of all the parts of you, as they are.  As such, I personally find it is a path of least repression and greatest freedom.  Yet I was a closet tantrika for several years.  This was primarily because I was still finding my way in my practice and because the term is so frequently misunderstood, I didn't want to constantly correct the misinterpretations of others. I wanted to focus on my work, how I help people, etc. But gradually, over time, my coaching practice started to be inbued with tantric concepts. They were concepts that could help my clients feel better and do better in their love lives. So, perhaps it's time to integrate these components more explicitly and intentionally.  As a novice tantrika, I made many "mistakes" along the path. (The word mistakes is in quotes because there are no errors, only misunderstandings or omissions.) The most common myths or pitfalls that some fall into when applying the philosophy of tantra, include: 1. The over-emphasis on the sensual or sexual aspect If "tantric sex" was the phrase that jumped to mind when you first started reading this, you are not alone. How very western of us to latch on to how tantra shows up in the bedroom and completely ignore how it applies at say, a financial transaction, a birthday party, or any mundane thing! lol  Tantra is a conscious way of being and doing that yes, could infiltrate your love-making as easy as it could infiltrate your dish-washing. (More on the nuances of that in my 1:1 coaching.) 2. The misunderstanding of energy The word "energy" gets thrown around a lot in the conscious community, so let's define it as: anything and everything about you or any physical being or material object. We often detect another person's energy through their rate of their speech, the way they breathe, the tone of their voice, the tension or relaxation of their body, micro-expressions in their face, and whether their body is open or closed. These non-verbals offer a big clue, and we often sense another's energy by how it feels in our own bodies to be around that person. Energy is in everyone and everything. If the table in front of you caught fire, a much more noticeable kind of energetic release would be happening! But everything discernible has energy. (Reading others' energy and cultivating our own in an intentional way is another topic for 1:1 coaching.) 3. Turning a blind eye to the ethical or moral vulnerabilities in spiritual life Having a mentor or teacher is valuable in any religious or spiritual practice, as the teacher can guide the learner and help the learner work through blocks or dilemmas. (But alas, the notion of a "dilemma" is a construct, lol. That's a digression for another day...) So, it remains that it's important to find a loving and trustworthy teacher. How can you tell? When your teacher points you toward a path, ask: How does this align with the truths I'm discovering? With the truths I've known? Within any spiritual or religious community, there is the opportunity for some teachers to misuse their wisdom and power -- to manipulate the learners who follow them. A good teacher is pure in intention, logically sound, and grounded in reality.   4. The expectation of instant results If you were learning any new skill -- say, how to be an electrician, how to be a nuclear physicist, or how to cook exotic dishes -- how long would you expect to spend apprenticing and practicing before you mastered the skill?  You wouldn't expect to watch two YouTube videos and have it all figured out. You wouldn't expect to take a weekend seminar and be proficient in that skill. The same is true in spiritual and relational evolution. You may have bursts of instant growth from time to time; other times, you'll take a break. You may even backslide a bit.  Besides, spiritual growth is not something that's finished within X hours of work. It is constant and ongoing. It may take months or years for your skill-building to yield profound results and even then you will likely continue to refine and maintain that skill. Anything related to psycho-spiritual growth is usually a life-long practice.  5. Missing the importance of ritual and symbol Every religious institution, most every family, and a great many couples have rituals. Some are minor and so habituated as to be non-conscious rituals; others are more grandiose. Rituals exist around everything from homework to date night, to religious worship.  Rituals create a sense of order and stability; enacting rituals brings us to a sense of calm and safety. Rituals remind us of the foundations on which we live, but we must take care not to let the ritual become the master. For example, the Christian ritual of Christmas had the original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ so that we could practice gratitude for who he was and how he lived. The ritual of exchanging gifts could be viewed as an honoring God's gift to humanity as we give to others. In modern times, for many people, Christmas became so focused on gift-giving that the ritual of gifting became more the "God" than the divine energy it represented.  Ritual and symbol are ways of "pointing to" something divine or even "closing the gap" between the physical self or egoic self and the divine (however you understand that to be). As such, rituals and symbols are a means to an end. They should not be elevated to idolatry nor should they be under-employed.  I've seen so many couples benefit and grow from adopting or refining rituals in their lives (another accomplishment of 1:1 coaching!) 6. Discounting the role of discipline and devotion We tend to experience loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for that which makes our lives better. We can intellectually agree with a philosophy or concept but it is in having the discipline to apply that daily that we demonstrate devotion.  Surrendering to the divine is what takes a mechanical practice and elevates it to a spiritual practice that ultimately liberates the practitioner. The primary purpose, after all, of tantra is liberation. How do you get liberated? By accepting and living the observable truths of reality. 

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